


Mr. Toad

by Darksilversilhouette



Series: Soldier Shenanigans [1]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: AU maybe, And those who crash them, For the love of sporty cars, Just a little play on the Brother's Grimm and some vague materia, M/M, Slighty cracky if the definitions of crack are what I think they are, Swearing inevitable?, maybe slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-12 05:20:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20993021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darksilversilhouette/pseuds/Darksilversilhouette
Summary: Genesis is late for a date, Angeal's been in an accident, Vincent is the bearer of bad (and slippery) news, and Sephiroth has endured far too many board meanings to deal with this.





	Mr. Toad

Genesis was getting rather impatient with the crimson-eyed man who was sitting on Sephiroth’s couch.

He’d switched from tapping his feet against the carpeting to tapping his index finger against his thumbnail, narrowing and widening his eyes, puckering and pressing his lips in a tight line but to no avail. Vincent didn’t seem to have had enough of studying the younger man’s apartment. It seemed that non-verbal cues were as equally lost on the dark-haired gunslinger as they were on his son. Raising his eyebrows in a rather irritated expression, he glared at the ex-Turk.

“_Well?_”

It seemed to finally work, and Genesis had this wild urge to firaga him through the far wall in front of him just so the silver-haired General could have a tapestry in the size and shape of his sire. Ruby eyes finally settled on his visage, and the Commander didn’t bother to hide his exasperation, which was mounting by the second. It seemed all the time they had spent in the apartment hadn’t been enough for Valentine to contemplate what he’d been meaning to say, however.

Having had enough, the redhead stood up, throwing an infuriated look at the marksman before turning to walk toward Sephiroth’s closet to get ready. They had a date tonight, and he’d wasted enough time sitting here engaging his lover’s paternal figure in a one-sided non-verbal communication.

“I’m sorry Vincent, but since you’re not ready to talk and I’m going to be late for my date with your son, I’m goi-...”

“-About that…” The older man said quietly, raising a hand to worry the collar of his crimson cape, which was-as far as the redhead was concerned-little more than a piece of fabric. The blue-eyed Commander had yet to figure out what seemed to be so different about it, but it seemed almost magical. Shaking his auburn head, Genesis turned to face the gunslinger fully, putting a hand on his hip as he quirked a red eyebrow.

"_A__bout that?”’_

Vincent seemed to have decided that boring holes inside Sephiroth’s coffee-table was a much more interesting course of action than facing him or continuing whatever he’d been meaning to say.

Blowing a vehement exhale through pursed lips, the blue-eyed individual decided that enough was enough. He was going to get ready even if his partner’s sire was determined to stay here and ogle every surface like the younger First’s apartment was an art exhibit, which it wasn’t really, but whatever. “I tire of your silence Vincent, I’m going to get dressed.”

Striding toward the closet and curling his hand around the knob, he was just about to enter when the ex-Turk finally decided to talk.

“It’s about your car…”

Genesis’ blood iced in his veins. Because what about his car? And it wasn’t like it was just any car… Sephiroth had bought it for him a couple of weeks ago, as a birthday gift, and he hadn’t touched it despite the fact that he was _dying_ to because he’d promised his silver-haired companion to take him on a date with it the first time he was going to use it. It was the newest from the coupe line of Shinra convertibles, and his lover had specially ordered it to be a unique shade of metallic rouge that had almost melted Genesis’ heart the moment his eyes had landed on it.

Turning around slowly, the redhead was pretty sure that the expression on his face could kill anyone whom it landed on, but apparently it didn’t work on the ebon-haired gunslinger who was oblivious to the murderous look he was receiving.

“What about it, Vincent?” Those golden talons worried the collar of the older man’s cape, and the Commander was sure the air inside the room was getting surprisingly close to freezing point. “What about my car? Out with it Vincent.”

“Uh… Angeal might have crashed a Shinra van against the front fender…?” The redheaded First was sure his eyes were the size of saucers at the moment. Hastily, the marksman added. “In his defence, he was driving in reverse and you know that those vans have zero rear view visibility…”

“It’s not just the fender is it…?” The Commander was on the verge of hysteria, because what was he going to do now…Their date! It was effectively ruined, and if not that, his precious gift, his beloved car...which he hadn’t even drove _once… _The frozen blood in his veins caught fire like gasoline because how could Angeal do this to him?!! The dark-haired First had been there when Genesis was practically climbing up Sephiroth, and then Shinra’s walls with excitement and joy.

“Well… not entirely…” Crimson irises were watching him out of the corner of Vincent’s eyes, and as the older man continued, he slowly stood up, turning around even more slowly to finally face him. “It might be the whole front…? Even the hood and engine compartment…?”

“_WHAT?!!_” Genesis was practically screaming at the top of his lungs. Rushing forward, the carmine-caped gunman tried to keep him back as the Commander yelled. “I’m going to kill Angeal! Let me go!” Holding his forearms, Vincent tried to reason with him, and the fact that the marksman was here to defend his idiot of a boyfriend instead of the said boyfriend coming to apologize for his idiotic behavior made the scarlet-haired First even more enraged.

“He’s towed your car to a place that said could fix it, it shouldn’t take much longer, just…” Their scuffle didn’t seem to make any headway, and he could see the ex-Turk losing his cool somewhat which was an achievement, and an indication that he was on the right track. “Genesis, please, it’s not-...” More trying to overpower one another. “It’s not going to take much-...” More trying to bypass the crimson-eyed gunslinger inside the narrow hallway that housed the entryways to Sephiroth’s bedroom, closet and home office. “Much longer, you just have to wait a couple more hours, maybe-...”

“It’s not going to look as good as it did! I’d never sat behind the _fucking wheel_!” He shrieked the last part, finally managing to find an opening. “Haha!” Genesis threw over his shoulder as he sprinted toward the door, fumbling with the access code while muttering “I’m _so_ going to enjoy killing you ‘Geal.” That’s when he felt it; the almost sparkling quality that suffused the air around him, the almost tangible feel of magic, and why was everything getting bigger and bigger around him? Panicking, Genesis turned around, looking with a horror stricken visage at Vincent who stood there, looking equally flabbergasted.

“What have you done?! Vin-...” And he couldn’t talk anymore! And why was the gunslinger looking at him with that fucking expression?! He didn’t have enough time to contemplate if it was more horror or more barely contained hysteria as he fell down through the collar of his shirt, darkness surrounding him while he flopped against a pool of fabric. What was going on?! Had he somehow turned into a dwarf?! Why were Vincent’s footsteps so heavy? It got even more dark as the older man’s shadow probably fell over his hiding place.

“Genesis?” His lover’s sire called, the rustle of clothes around him, and fingers came in digging to take him out. And he was going to say ‘easy, slowly’ but the sound that came out of his lips was;

_*Ribbit.*_

Clasping a hand over his mouth, Genesis was even more horror-stricken because instead of human hands, four green almost leathery frog fingers with sticky pads at the ends met his eyes. He wanted to yell ‘what have you done?!!’ but the only thing he managed to come up with was a rather irritated _Ribbit-ribbit-rrribbbit!_

And Genesis wanted to kill himself, because never before had he been turned into a frog, and now not only Angeal had ruined his car, his stupid boyfriend had also ruined his date!!! His car be damned! How was he going to go on a date with Sephiroth when he was _a fucking toad?!!_

“Genesis…” And the older man had the nerve to be on the verge of bursting with laughter. The Commander-now-turned-frog tried to glare at the gunslinger as best as he could considering his current predicament, but it seemed to make matters even worse. “I’m sorry… I-I meant to cast sleep…” Carrying him in his hands to the coffee table, Genesis was almost overcome by nausea with how everything swayed so much, but he was totally sure he couldn’t turn any more green; there was also the fact that he didn’t want to vomit and make a laughing stock of himself in front of his partner’s sire. The gunman was obviously having lots of fun from the spell that he’d cast on him. “I’m going to find a way to reverse it…” Stepping backwards toward the entrance, Vincent tried to assuage him somewhat, which only made him more angry. The redheaded-...

Suddenly realizing that notion, the former redhead started feeling his face and head with his hands, cursing every time his sticky pads stuck to his face which turned to another litany of _ribbit-ribbit_, to find his beautiful hair gone...and maybe that was for the best but he couldn’t help but slump like a dehydrated green amphibian on the glass surface as if he was on the verge of death. Why did this have to happen to him?

“I won’t be long, I promise!” Vincent promised, but Genesis wasn’t even looking at him, deciding to look rather dejectedly at some point at the wall in front of him. The door opened and closed, and it was all silent.

What was he going to tell Sephiroth? In fact, how was he going to make him understand that he wasn’t just some random frog before the silver-haired man could throw him out his window??

Letting out a long dispirited _Riiiibbiiiit_, Genesis flattened himself against the coffee table even further.

Great!

* * *

Thirty-seven board meetings.

Stepping into the lift that would take him to the President’s floor and subsequently to his quarters, Sephiroth slumped against the inward railing and put a hand to his forehead. He had attended thirty-seven board meetings in the last twenty-four hours; and he was fairly sure that it ought to be illegal. He’d skipped breakfast and lunch and it was quickly passing dinnertime. Even more disappointing than that was the fact that he had missed his date with Genesis by an hour and thirty minutes.

They’d arranged to go out the day before, when his schedule still looked somewhat free in the evening. The Commander was dying to try out the car the younger man had bought him, and he was honestly looking forward to it as well; thought it was more the prospect of spending time with his fellow First than the idea of sitting shotgun to a rather enthusiastic driver. Sephiroth would have sincerely counted it a lucky thing if Genesis didn’t drive them straight off the Upper Plate. He never had the opportunity to see his worries come to light however, because Administration had him running around HQ the minute his feet hit the carpet in his apartment that morning.

Realistically, it had been going on since the evening before; the President’s birthday was coming up and the whole affair was a tedious, brain-numbing thing that everyone hated but ultimately were forced to participate in regardless. Every year the Brass seemed to think that their leading executive required more exorbitant parties with more guests, more food and more security. Privately, Sephiroth thought Shinra was much more likely to assassinate himself by choking on an appetizer than by some dastardly assailant, but he didn’t say so out loud. If someone was really looking to kill off the President they’d do better to invite him to a buffet...the General was fairly sure the head of the company wouldn’t have the willpower to resist the invitation.

All considerations of Shinra’s livelihood aside, his birthday was-frankly-over the top. And despite the fact that he kept trying to turn down meeting after meeting, Administration wasn’t hearing any of it and Lazard gave him a look that indicated he might just fire him if he forced the Head of Soldier to endure the string of meetings all on his own. Grumpily, the silver-haired man acknowledged that his fellow Firsts had been rather smart to clear out when they had...but he sincerely resented not being given a memo about it himself.

The lift opened and Sephiroth dragged himself the last few hundred steps to his apartment, nodding to a security guard who gave him a somewhat terrified look before walking in the opposite direction. Beginning the process of unbuckling his pauldrons ahead of time, the green-eyed soldier fumbled with his keycard before letting them drop to his feet and fitting it into its respective slot. There was a soft _*beep* _and the light above the mechanism turned green...and he uttered an inward sigh of relief as he picked up his garments and walked into the relative quiet of his quarters.

Looking around, his initial impression was that nothing was amiss; everything was as he’d left it when he’d gone down to his office that morning. Then his eyes landed on a pile of familiar clothes in the middle of his living room floor. Specifically, they were a pile of red leather armor that was exceedingly familiar. Frowning, the silver-haired man raised an eyebrow before his eyes cut to the bedroom. Assumably, Genesis was there...possibly naked. Considering they had had plans for a date, he was rather surprised at this...along with the fact that his phone wasn’t currently blowing up with a litany of angry texts demanding to know where he was.

Deciding that the redhead must have known about his troubles ahead of time, the General scooped up the offending garments and threw them over the couch before striding to the bedroom. Pushing open the door, he was greeted with the sight of an empty space and an equally empty bed...as pristine as it had been when he’d made it up at 0700. Frowning, Sephiroth about-faced and returned to the living room...glancing once again at the discarded armor before thinking very hard. There was always the possibility that Genesis had been kidnapped, of course...but he was fairly sure there’d be more indication of a struggle. He was also fairly sure that despite his unique proclivities, his lover wasn’t going to strip down in his apartment and run about HQ in nothing at all. The silver-haired man stood there, pondering the profound mystery set before him for about ten minutes before his eyes landed on the space just in front of his television.

There was a frog sitting on his coffee table.

Really, it was more like it was _collapsed _on his coffee table...as if the animal in question was so fraught with despair and lack of water that it had simply flattened itself into the glass out of pure unadulterated despair. Sephiroth blinked and looked away...counted to ten and then looked back again to confirm that his unexpected guest was still there; it was. Sitting very still...looking at him with great...yellow eyes so wide he was surprised he didn’t see himself reflected back in them. It was a rather large frog, he acknowledged professionally. Nowhere near bullfrog territory but still on the bigger side and very nicely colored.

“I’m going to have to put you out.” He said sternly, striding over to the coffee table “HQ has a strict ‘no pets’ policy.” The silver-haired man bent over slightly. “And I’m afraid I’m not partial to amphibians in the first place.”

Those great yellow eyes were possibly the size of saucers now, and as though the frog in question understood his thoughts, or at least his intention, the minute he reached forward for it to hop on his palm, the amphibian jumped in the opposite direction and sat right there under his TV. Turning around, Sephiroth was faced with those yellow eyes again that seemed to be darting around the room, before a litany of ‘_ribbit_’s filled the silence of the room. Circumventing the coffee table, the silver-haired man shook his head.

“I’m sorry Mr.Toad but you have to leave.”

Bending down to take the big green frog off his carpet, his fingers closed gently around its somewhat leathery and slippery body only to have it jump out again. Sighing exasperatedly, the green-eyed individual was thankful for a brief moment that his lover wasn’t here to hear the General of Shinra’s army talking to an amphibian and also chasing it around his house. He was fairly sure that the redhead wouldn’t let him hear the end of it, not to mention the jokes he would make especially in company of Angeal, which the dark-haired First would have no clue about, which made it even more evil.

His unwelcome green guest seemed to be jumping in random directions as though not making up its mind...or perhaps it was simply just afraid of a giant human dressed in black leather following him around like it was a bouncing ball and Sephiroth was just a small child. Scoffing at the idea, the silver-haired doubled his efforts in catching the said bouncing ball of green, before the amphibian leaped up and landed on Genesis’ clothes.

The sight in front of his eyes was enough to give him a heart attack, because he knew for a fact that Genesis _hated_ frogs, and now a big one of them was jumping up and down on the aforementioned man’s garments. It was seemingly rather joyous about it, as though it had accomplished some sort of nefarious plan at revenge, all the while making a sound that was much akin to ‘_Ribbirbiit_’ which was different from the other noises Sephiroth had heard from it. Cocking his head, the silver-haired man acknowledged that in any other situation he might have assumed the frog was trying to say his name. The syllables were certainly correct, if that was anything to go by, and he didn’t know frogs were capable of making a ‘t’ sound but this one was apparently talented in the area of vocality. It was also talented at escaping him, because while his adversary was slippery, he was mako-enhanced...and there was absolutely no reason he shouldn’t have caught his current problem by now. Pressing his lips into a thin line, the General entertained the idea of it being someone’s pet. There was no one he knew, however, who was hairbrained enough to let their pet loose in his apartment and forget about it. The rest of the troops were too frightened of him to consider pulling a prank of such caliber...but he was also skeptical of the fact that a frog could just _magically _wander into his locked apartment.

“You can’t sit there.” He snapped, abruptly lunging forward.

The frog had the audacity to look sincerely offended before it gave a deafening croak and then proceeded to meet him head on. This would have been fine, but the fact he was leaning over meant that the amphibian’s trajectory landed it squarely on top of his head. For a moment, the silver-haired First could only freeze and think something despairing in regards to his hair...because there was something large and _slimy _on it. Then, instinct took over for indignation, and he jerked his head to the side. His unwanted companion was evidently anticipating it, because it jumped. Sephiroth attempted to dislodge it again, and the same thing happened. After several minutes of fruitlessly wobbling himself from side to side, the General gave up and glared upwards through his bangs.

“If you were a Soldier, I’d write you up for insubordination” he growled.

What happened was enough to make a nerve twitch on Sephiroth’s forehead. The audacious and unwelcome ball of green decided to jump up and down like it had on Genesis’ clothes, and it didn’t seem to make any difference whether Sephiroth shook his head or not, the frog seemed to always land on top of his head. The constant ‘_Ribbirbiit_’ that didn’t seem to want to stop was also getting on his nerves. The silver-haired man wasn’t one who’d perform acts of cruelty on animals. If he had been, the amphibian who seemed overzealous in his joyous bouncing would be flat against the wall to his left by now. Narrowing his eyes as he continued looking up at it through his bangs, the General of Shinra’s army set his own nefarious plan into motion. Watching it one, two, three times, he quickly raised both his hands, and finally caught the slippery green creature between his palms.

“Gotcha!”

Lowering his hands as the frog squirmed between his palms, Sephiroth let a triumphant smirk grace his lips. Those big yellow eyes widened slowly, the amphibious irises boring into his, and right when the silver-haired man was thinking that maybe this particular frog was trying to tell him something-which, again, would make Genesis laugh his ass off if he knew that-his slippery adversary jumped toward him. Reflexively closing his eyes, the green-eyed General jerked his head away to avoid it landing on his face, which made everything considerably worse.

The frog landed just inside his collar, its sticky pads almost sucking on his skin while it appeared to be nuzzling its leathery head against his throat, which made all the short hairs at the back of his neck stand on end. If his lover came back from wherever he’d disappeared to and saw this scene, Sephiroth was sure he’d need to scrub himself raw and that probably wouldn’t be enough for Genesis to touch that particular place he really liked against his neck, which his current predicament seemed to be also rather fond of. Even as he was trying to regain possession of his jugular, several puzzle pieces slid into place. His eyes once again landed on the pile of discarded clothes before his mind cycled over the rather humanistic utterance of his ‘name.’ Coupled with the frog’s irascible behavior, its blatant disregard for its superiors and it’s overall flagrant nature...he was very tempted to draw some extremely crazy conclusions. 

‘Toad’ was, of course, a subjectable materia. Who in their right mind would change _Genesis Rhapsodos _into a toad was another matter entirely. Scrabbling at his collar, Sephiroth managed to land a rather firm grip on his _partner, _yanking it-_him-_away and staring at him incredulously. Genesis croaked and his lips twitched. His mirth was quickly replaced by horror, because the only way to fix ‘Toad’ was to somehow give the afflicted a ‘maiden’s kiss’ or provide them with an esuna. He was not travelling all the way to Wutai to bring back a summoner to cure his Commander. The very idea was ridiculous and he was fairly sure the Brass would laugh him all the way back to his apartment.

Sephiroth was also-however-not letting anyone else kiss Genesis. And the only reason he knew about the materia in question was because he’d read a lengthy and very dusty journal regarding old methods of subduing adversaries that had existed before ‘freeze’ or ‘slow.’ In terms of individuals who could possess such antiquated equipment...only one person came to mind. Narrowing his eyes, Sephiroth made a mental note to speak with his father very soon before opening his mouth.

“Genesis” he snapped.

The effect was instantaneous.

His currently amphibious lover stopped struggling and gave him a look that he could only place somewhere in the category of ‘relief.’ Swallowing his nausea, the silver-haired man continued.

“I’m going to kiss you.” He said flatly. “If you use your tongue, I swear to every known possible deity there won’t be a single place on Gaia you’ll be able to successfully hide.”

Sephiroth then leaned forward, inch by terrible inch, and pressed his lips against cold...wet and slimy ones.

There was a shift in the air, and also in the weight that was in his hands, and the General had to let go, because almost instantaneously the Commander was back to his normal self, completely healthy, and breathtakingly gorgeous in his birthday suit. The relief that was on his lover’s pale face quickly morphed to irritation as those beautiful azure eyes fluttered open.

“Took you long enough. Now, _now_, I’m going to kill both Angeal and your goddamned fa-...”

Right then, there was the sound of a keycard being swiped into the slot from the other side of the wall, the lock disengaged and while both of them were looking questioningly at the entryway, the door swung inwards slowly, a head of onyx, and a crimson cape, and in came Vincent Valentine, holding the same dusty tome he’d read about the spell.

“Genesis I found it, I have to cast toad on you agai-...” his father looked up only to be faced with a pair of mako-blue eyes.

At the mention of his name, however, his lover scrambled forward, a tangle of pale limbs as he tried to flatten himself against Sephiroth’s chest, clinging onto him in a vice-like grip, hiding his face against the crook of his neck as though it’d make him disappear.

“By goddess, Seph, get him away from me!” Genesis whispered against his throat, his legs curling tighter around his waist, and the silver-haired General was starting to have difficulty breathing. “What did I do to you?!” The redhead threw over his shoulder before hiding his face again. “I swear they’re trying to kill me! First Angeal and now him!”

Glaring somewhat bewilderedly over his lover’s shoulder at his father, Sephiroth narrowed his eyes.

“...What did Angeal do?”

There was a very gravid pause, one in which neither his partner nor his sire spoke. A feeling of sincere dread bubbled up in the younger man’s gut...because if it was bad enough that neither one of them wanted to tell him...it had to be _bad. _Genesis simply whimpered and gripped him tighter and he was forced to take a large gulp of air in order to keep from passing out and toppling over. Vincent cleared his throat and averted his eyes to the far corner of the living room.

“He...may have damaged Genesis’ car.”

Sephiroth’s lips thinned, and he glared at the elder man.

_“How _damaged are we talking?”

The gunslinger shifted from foot to foot before looking at the rug.

“It...might be cheaper to get him a new car.”

Realistically, the silver-haired man could buy Genesis about twenty of the same car in twenty different colors and it wouldn’t dent his bank account very much. This was-however-overlooking the fact that Sephiroth was _cheap, _and he did not like to spend his money unless it was on something absolutely important or something absolutely valuable. And when his redheaded Commander had thought it was a good idea to lend _Angeal _his high-powered sports car he didn’t want to know...but that was still a good five hundred thousand gil straight down the drain for no good reason except the driver at the time didn’t apparently know how to handle it.

He’d custom ordered it; red-of course-with black leather seats sporting a single large cursive ‘G’ in scarlet stitching on the headrests. Padded steering wheel...a frankly obnoxious license plate that said 2HOT4U...dragged directly from the older man’s diary. And it had been _work _to surprise Genesis with it...to conceal it from him until the time was perfectly right. So when Sephiroth cast a ‘mini’ materia he wasn’t really thinking about the cost but the _effort. _And it was satisfying to watch Vincent’s eyes widen...to watch him slowly shrink until he was forced to wrap himself in his bandana to preserve his modesty. Pointing to the open front door, the green-eyed First smirked wryly.

“Angeal should be able to rectify your...problem.” he said smoothly. “I think he’s somewhere in the Soldier barracks.” Vincent made a series of high-pitched, irritated squeaking noises but eventually just headed for the door...leaving his clothes behind him. “I’ll return your clothes if Angeal returns Genesis’ car with all relevant repairs made” he called after him before kicking the door shut. Returning his gaze to Genesis, who was staring at him rather like he wanted to kiss him, he smirked. “You make a very nice frog.”

An elegant eyebrow was raised as his lover’s pale face twisted into a bemused expression.

“Are you sure Seph? I’m not sure if you’d like sitting at the same table with a frog, while I’m eating a dish of flies and insects. Think about how I’m going to turn your tub into my very own lake… the sleeping arrangements...” A brief pause as Genesis raised his left hand, cerulean eyes leaving his face to inspect finely trimmed and manicured nails, once in a while glancing mischievously at him from underneath bows of auburn lashes. “How are you gonna get laid if I’m a frog, and you refuse to kiss me? Besides Mr. Toad might just let everyone know how the great General Sephiroth likes talking with animals while no one’s watching?” Innocent blue irises looked up at him as his lover pouted sadly. “And don’t tell me you’d put me out where anyone could step on me and squish me to the floor?” For added effect, his companion sniffed, those cerise lips turning down at the corners as the Commander looked down between them.

It was a very real threat.

Because Sephiroth did _not _need the cadets knowing that their General talked to frogs. And Sephiroth _needed _to ‘get laid’ as his falsely bashful partner had put it. Opening his mouth, the silver haired man thought very carefully before speaking.

“You make a very nice frog,” He repeated. “But I think I love you more as a person, and I think we should never speak of this again.”

Genesis smiled.


End file.
